


giving in

by living_to_read



Category: Brothers and Sisters (TV 2006)
Genre: M/M, post episode Post 36 hours and something new.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-01
Updated: 2011-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-14 07:15:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/living_to_read/pseuds/living_to_read
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saul's life has turned  of 180 degrees after Milo Peterman  has come back in his life, but is that really a bad thing? </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 4

A hot shower hadn't helped. Classical music hadn't helped. Saul had tried reading. It hadn't helped. It just gave him a headache. Everything gave him a headache. Nothing had helped.

Saul felt miserable. All he really wanted was a shoulder to lean on and a bit of sympathy. He had picked up the phone half a dozen times to call Nora, but had put it back each time. His sister had enough problems of her own right now with Justin and with Kitty's wedding. He had just added to those problems by opening his big mouth and blurting out his most guarded secret and he wasn't going to burden her further.

Normally Saul would have phoned Kevin. He was the nephew Saul had always felt closest to. But not now. Now he was part of the problem. Saul's mind replayed their fight in Justin's room in harsh, uncompromising detail, and he shuddered. He regretted his words now. Kevin didn't deserve them.

Saul sighed and leaned back against the sofa, considering the bottle of Jack Daniels in the bar. Tempting. He went so far as to get a glass and break the seal on the bottle, then stared at it pensively. He paused.

//This is ridiculous,// he thought and put back the bottle.

He went to bed hoping some good hours of sleep would soothe his frayed nerves.  
When the clock chimed two, Saul groaned, turned first on his back and then to his left side once again, closed his eyes for the millionth time and decided he couldn't go on like this.

Abruptly he leaped from the bed, untwisting himself from the sheets and he pulled on a pair of blue jeans and a shirt. He was going to talk to Milo. Talking would help. It always did, didn't it? Action. That was what was needed. Face the problem, find a solution, and move on. And he was going to find that solution come hell or high water.

****

Saul stood on Milo's front doorstep. He had driven straight over, not allowing his mind to ponder anything. For once in his life, he had simply acted. So now, here he was, feeling like a complete and utter fool.

/I should go,// he thought unhappily. // What did I expect to say anyway? 'Excuse me Milo, I came over here at 2:00 am to tell you that I am still attracted to you, and that you probably feel the same way too, given that you came looking for me after 20 years. The point is, no matter how much I want you, I don't want to want you that way, so can you please stay out of my life long enough to let this moment pass?'//

A shiver went through him. He was not sure he really wanted it to pass.  
This wasn't going to work and things could only turn worse if he faced Milo right now. Saul turned to leave.

***

Milo Peterman set his glasses on the table, cursing. He'd been staring at the same piece of paper for hours now, and he still didn't know what it said. All he could think of was Saul Holden. The way he was twenty something years ago, during those days in Key West. The way he was now. Sixty plus years old men shouldn't be still so attractive. It had been a mistake to go looking for him. It had ruined any hope of finding somebody else; making even the idea of being with any man who wasn't Saul Holden totally unattractive.

He climbed to his feet and reached for the remote. A distraction. Any distraction. Of course, at this hour, the chances of finding anything good on TV were close to nil. Milo tried anyway, then flicked the television off irritably and, coming to a quick decision, reached for his jacket. Some fresh air seemed absolutely necessary.

// Quit kidding yourself, Peterman. You know you're going to drive by his apartment.// Milo scowled and told the voice in his head to fuck off.

***

The door opened. Saul froze in mid-turn as Milo appeared in the doorway, carrying a jacket. He stopped too and they stared wordlessly at each other. Saul's heart caught in his throat.

Neither knew who took the first step, but suddenly they were only inches apart. Milo did not hesitate, did not think. He dropped his jacket, then slid his arms around Saul's waist, unwilling to question whatever quirk of fate had led him here. Saul's body melded willingly against his. He dipped his head toward Saul's mouth, finally succumbing to the impulses he had been fighting for what felt like a lifetime.

Saul forgot why he had come, forgot everything but the sensations flooding over him. At Milo's first touch his every nerve burst into flame and he quivered in his arms. When Milo's lips descended brutally on him, he did not flinch, but returned the kiss with equal hunger.

Milo deepened the kiss, tilting Saul's head back, his tongue roughly demanding an equal response from the other man. Saul's lips parted and he gasped as Milo probed deeper. His body arched against Saul's as his hands roamed over his back and buttocks. He pulled even closer, chest crushing against chest. Saul moaned in the back of his throat, his legs beginning to buckle.

Tongues still dueling, Milo dragged Saul into the house and kicked the door shut behind him. He braced Saul against the wall. Saul's senses exploded when Milo bent his head and nibbled at his throat. Suddenly he had no patience for this. He wanted Milo so much. His fingers moved of their own accord to Milo's shirt and fumbled with the buttons.

Impatiently, Milo pulled the shirt over his head. Saul caught his breath as he ran his hands over the bare chest.

Milo immediately dipped his head back down to Saul's, scorching his mouth. It took him only a moment to remove his shirt and undershirt. He slid his hands over Saul's ribs then moved upward to pinch his nipples, ravaging his mouth while pressing every inch of himself yet closer. They could feel each other's hardness through the fabric of their jeans. Saul found he could no longer breathe.

Milo managed to lead Saul to the bedroom and set him on the bed. Saul tightened his grip on Milo and dragged him down as well, rolling on top to kiss him deeply, his hands moving freely over Milo's shoulders and chest. He reached down to unbutton Milo's jeans, sliding them over his hips, then removed his underwear. Milo paused a moment to drag his socks and shoes off, then turned his attention back to his lover. It took him only a moment to remove the rest of Saul's clothes. Saul twisted on top of him, glorying in the feel of their naked bodies finally touching.

How lube and rubbers managed to find their way to the playground neither Milo nor Saul could tell or cared to know. They simply felt a lot better later knowing that even in their momentary lack of reason they had enough sense to take precautions.

Milo ran a hand over the inside of Saul's thighs, then moved it higher, and Saul's fingers tightened on Milo. He whimpered, and gasped for breath, losing control. He tried to draw back a little, but Saul wouldn't let him, his own needs dictating the pace. He moaned and slid his hands lower, and then there was nothing but two people who needed each other desperately.

With a sudden twist, their positions were reversed and, without pausing, Milo drove himself deeply into Saul, groaning. Saul cried out, arching upward to meet him. He wrapped both legs fiercely around Milo's waist, his body straining to match his lover's every move. Oblivious to everything but sensation and need, Milo plunged into Saul again and again, angling his rocking hips so he could bury himself ever deeper. The force of his thrusts left them both gasping.

Milo slid his hand between them and took Saul's sex in his hand. A tremor ran through Saul, then he called out Milo's name as wave after wave of pent-up desire spilled violently over his belly and chest. His fingers tightened on Milo's shoulders, digging into his skin. Milo stiffened. A violent shudder went through him as he gasped and emptied himself. He searched Saul's mouth and kissed him, groaning his name while Saul clung to him. Then he collapsed, his full weight settling on Saul. Silence slowly descended.

Saul quivered violently, aftershocks rippling through his frame. Gasping for air, his heart racing, Milo tried to withdraw, ease his weight from Saul a little and found he couldn't. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, could barely see.

"I'll get off in a minute," he managed to whisper hoarsely.  
Saul's arms unconsciously tightened around him. "Take your time." His voice was ragged.

For an eternity they did not move, then strength began to return to Milo, and he slowly withdrew, to collapse once more beside Saul. His breath was still coming in short gasps. He could feel Saul shivering against him, the cool air beginning to chill both of their damp bodies. With hands that shook, he managed to reach down for a blanket and dragged it around them, pulling Saul even closer into his arms. Together, their hearts resumed a more regular pace.

Saul blinked tiredly, then closed his eyes. There were no words to describe how he felt. If he was forced to do it, he'd probably have to use the Richter scale. He clung tiredly to Milo, their limbs entangled, unable to move. He didn't want to deal with what they had done, didn't want to come back to his own skin yet. He just wanted to hold Milo for a little longer.

Milo reluctantly opened his eyes. Saul's face was flushed, his body still damp with sweat. For a moment he delighted in the feeling of the man nestled closely against him, one hand resting on his chest, the other folded around his waist, but then he saw the bruises on his lips, the hickeys on his neck and chest, and remorse shot through him.

What had he done? He had just brutally attacked the man he... //No. Don't say it. Don't think about it. Just lie here quietly, and maybe the world will go away.//

Hesitantly, Milo brought a gentle hand up to caress Saul's cheek. Saul's eyes opened and he gazed at him blankly. There was no recrimination in his eyes, only a sort of stunned surprise. Milo thought that he probably looked the same way.

Saul felt dazed. He had just had one of the most significant experiences of his life, and it was with someone he shouldn't be with: a man. For a moment he wondered why. Why shouldn't he have slept with Milo Peterman? His mind went blank for a while and then he remembered. He didn't want to be homosexual. He wanted to be normal even if normal meant unhappy. He wanted not to disappoint his mother, his rabbi, his community, his family. He wanted to forget the urge, the need to lie with a man; with this man. He wanted to step back and uncross the line he'd passed that night. He had managed to do it after Key West. Maybe if he tried hard he would manage again.

A familiar pain clutched at his heart and he knew it was reflected in his eyes. The expression on Milo's face changed, to something very like guilt. Saul's pain increased. He wanted nothing more than to lie here in Milo's arms and wake up beside him tomorrow morning. But he couldn't. He simply couldn't allow himself that. Slowly, he began to gather up his self-control, preparing to draw away.

Milo watched him withdraw mentally and a piercing wave of pain swept over him. What had he done?

"Saul," he said hoarsely, realizing it was almost the first word either of them had spoken since he had arrived on his doorstep. "I...I'm sorry."

Saul's eyebrows arched in surprise.

"Sorry?" There was a note of disbelief in his voice. The pain in Milo's chest increased. "Sorry for what?"

Milo swallowed. "I should have been...gentler. Slower. I never asked..."

A look of relief crossed Saul's face and his lips curled upward in a shy smile.

"Slower would have been less...that was...you were..." He was beginning to babble incoherently. He started again. "Fast was good. Better than good. I... I didn't want you to slow down."

The look of relief in Milo's eyes made Saul feel better. He truly was as wonderful as he remembered from Key West. Which brought Saul back to his original problem. He had just slept with Milo again. He had managed to label the first time as an accident, son of a momentary sexual confusion and too much booze, but what was he going to do this time? He'd told his sister he'd been in love with a man and now he'd slept with that man and no matter how his mind was trying to rationalize it, he couldn't deny that he'd liked it.

Time. He needed time to put some order in this mess. Time to see where to go from there and with whom.

Milo watched the momentary amusement fade from Saul's eyes, to be replaced by a look of anxiety and guilt. He felt he had to do something to ease the weight that was falling on Saul's shoulders but he hadn't the slightest idea about where to start. He felt totally inadequate to the task. From the moment he'd 'come out' he'd always searched for uncomplicated, emotionally free one night stands. No commitments, no consequences. This was different, and somebody could get hurt if he didn't handle it right. But what was the right move?

Saul began to slide backward out of Milo's arms. "I should go." he managed to say, his voice no more than a whisper.

//Not like this.// Milo thought and tried to convert it into words but nothing came out. What the hell was wrong with him? Where did all this sudden fear come from? Why was it so hard to say or do something? Saul was leaving and he was allowing it to happen. Just like that.

Saul paused a moment, waiting for a reason to change his mind, then eased himself from the bed. He bent down to retrieve his boxers and jeans, then he followed the trail of clothes back out to the living room.  
Milo did not move, but watched silently, with troubled eyes. Then he reached for his jeans while Saul retreated into the bathroom.  
Once there he ran the cold water and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked a mess. His lips were swollen and slightly bruised, his hair rumpled, and his eyes dark with shadows. Before feeling ill and constricted by the fifty years of repression that fell on him all at once, he managed to get a last smile and a small but perfect moment where he realized he'd never felt so good in all his life.

Milo found his shirt by the door and pulled it over his head. All he was missing now were his socks. He scratched his head, trying to figure out where the little buggers could be. He returned to the bedroom and was reaching under the bed when Saul appeared in the doorway. Milo slowly straightened, and they stared at each other awkwardly. The silence between them grew.

"I can't find my wallet." Saul said after a bit, trying vainly for levity.  
Milo found it near his socks under the bed. He bent and picked it up. Then he crossed the room and, wordlessly, held it out for Saul.  
As he took it, their fingertips brushed, and Saul shivered. Something flickered behind Milo's eyes, and then they were several feet away from each other again.

"I'm..." "We..."

They both spoke at once, then fell silent together. Saul looked up and met Milo's gaze.

"I didn't plan this when I came over here," he managed to say. Milo nodded.  
This was insane. They were behaving like two polite strangers. Again. After all that had happened.

Saul drew another deep breath. "I'm not that casual about sex.”

"I know," Milo said. He was proud of his voice. It gave nothing away. As usual. They might have been discussing the weather. He could feel the walls around them both beginning to reappear. He felt a brief, irrational flare of disappointment. For an instant, he had wanted Saul to say something like “I love you and I don't want to go”. Then he had wanted to say “I love you and I don't want you to go”, but that scared him even more.

"I suppose this was sort of inevitable," Saul mumbled. "And I know it's normal for you, but I am not ready for this. Not yet.”

The 'not yet' was a huge concession for Saul. It meant he was really considering the possibility.

Milo understood it. All he had to do was say 'Take your time. I'll be here when you're ready', but all he managed to say was “Ok”. He knew he was doing everything wrong but seemed unable to help it.

Saul nodded, fighting the sensation of sorrow that passed through him. Suddenly, he felt very tired. It was time to go. He turned to leave.

"Saul."

Milo's voice stopped him in his tracks, making his heart pump faster. "May I call you?” he said, mentally adding 'when my brain decides this post orgasmic hang-over is done and I'm able to think again?'

"Of course you can." A small smile crossed Saul's face. “Goodnight, Milo.”

Saul crossed the threshold and closed the door behind him. He leaned against it for a long moment. He was running away once again, going back to his 'normal' life and his loneliness.

//Don't let me go, Milo, // he thought, bracing himself. //I don't know if I can find my way back here all alone.//

Blinking hard, he pushed himself away from the door and walked out.

***

Milo watched Saul go and did not move to stop him, even though a part of him cried out to. Saul had to come to his own decisions, as he did. The thought came unbidden to his mind: //You're letting the man you love walk out that door.// A shock rippled through him. Love? Was he really in love with Saul Holden? Only silence and the deepening chill of the room answered him.


	2. Chapter 2

 Saul stared darkly out his window, watching the trucks coming and going from the Ojay's parking lot. It was beginning to rain. The weather matched his mood.

He pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose, trying to ward off the headache appearing ominously on the edges of his vision but It wasn't working.  
He stood, hands in pockets, thinking fiercely. He had let his work suffer, snapped brusquely at his secretary, spent a lot of time avoiding practically everybody, and hadn't slept right since his momentary lapse of reason with Milo.  
What was really bothering him, though, was that he had left without truly resolving anything. The problem still existed; he couldn't drag his thoughts away from Milo, still wanted him. No matter how fiercely he tried to deny it: there was no way to ignore the fact that he still had strong feelings for the man.   
Saul removed his hands from his pockets and returned his gaze to the outside. Still raining.

“Ground Control to Major Saul. Ground control to Major Saul. Can you hear me, Major Saul?”

Saul took a moment to think why somebody was parodying a David Bowie song in his office and then the reality hit him like a ton of bricks: Kevin was there with papers to sign, and he had totally forgotten about him. Damn! Now there was no way to avoid the Spanish Inquisition.

Kevin looked at Saul pensively. His uncle looked haggard and tense. Shadows lined his eyes, and something about the set of his mouth told him he was intensely unhappy. A spasm of guilt shot through him. Was this his fault? Had he pushed him too much lately?

He shouldn't have made such a fuss about his uncle's sexuality. It wasn't his business after all if Saul was in denial and there was nothing to gain from forcing the issue on him.

“Saul. Are you all right?"  
"Yes... Yes, I'm fine. Why?"  
Kevin did not hesitate. "I'm worried about you."

Saul tightened his jaw. "Why? Because you think I'm a closeted queer in denial?" his voice was sharp and accusing.  
Kevin didn't flinch.

"No. Because you look like death warmed over and I can't help being concerned about you. In case you forgot, we're still uncle and nephew and that entitles me to care about you. And... “ he took a pause to emphasize what he was going to say next. “And besides, I shouldn't have pushed you so much about that matter. It's none of my business... I just want to see you content every once in while”.  
Saul stared at Kevin in consternation, guilt and dismay threatening to engulf him. Something pricked at the corners of his eyes.  
"Sorry I overreacted." he said, trying to smile away the lump at the pit of his stomach.

"No problems. But the question remains, uncle. Are you all right?"   
The sympathy was Saul's undoing. Unbidden, a tear gathered in the corner of his eye. "I don't know," was all he managed to say, horrified to hear his voice beginning to break, his throat tightening with unshed tears.

"You don't know?"

Saul shook his head, turning away from Kevin.

Kevin walked to the window and looked outside too. He didn't try to reach for Saul or to hug him. He simply remained there, at his uncle's side, looking more or less in the same direction, letting him know he was there.

"Do you want to talk about it?"  
Saul ran a hand over his eyes and shook his head again. "I can't," he mumbled.  
"Sure you can. That's what family is for. You can tell me anything."  
"I don't think so."  
"Try me."  
Saul's resolve gave in all of a sudden and the words were out of his mouth before he could do anything to stop them. "I slept with a man a couple of nights ago.”  
Kevin blinked. He didn't want Saul to see his surprise; after all, he had asked for this.  
"All right," he said, "And...?"  
Saul realized he had braced himself, waiting for the tide of recriminations to come rolling over him. When they did not, he was flung off balance.  
"And? Isn't that enough, Kevin? You were right from the start. I'm gay and I'm a coward who spent all his life running away from this simple truth...” He took a long, calming breath. “I'm sorry. I should have supported you when you came out...”

“That doesn't matter. We're not talking about me now. All that matters is how do you feel about it...”

"How do you think I feel?" Saul looked away.  
Kevin tilted his head on one side. "I have no idea. How do you feel?"

Saul heaved a tension-filled sigh. "Confused. Depressed. Stressed. Tired. Old. Alone...I don't know what I'm going to do, now."

Kevin frowned and bent his head, trying to focus on his next words to his uncle. “It's never easy. But you don't have to face it alone. You've got mom, and me, and the rest of the Walker brigade.”

Saul smiled unintentionally. “Nora's going to be all over me about this, isn't she?”

“Probably”, Kevin nodded. “No, scrap that. It's a sure thing.”  
They both laughed and Saul admitted to himself that he really needed it. Maybe talking with Kevin wasn't such a bad idea after all.

He wandered over to his desk and sat down. Kevin followed suit and, just to prove he wasn't going to nag Saul about the matter, started to pick up documents from his briefcase.

Saul started to peer through the first document and signed it, then reached for the second, changed his mind and put the pen back on the table. He squared his shoulders and exchanged a long, soul searching glance with his nephew. “I didn't lie to you, you know...” he murmured.

Kevin forced himself to keep from smiling. It looked like the dam was ready to break. “about what?”

“When I told you I wasn't gay. I really believed it at the time. I wanted to believe it.”

“I know the feeling.”

“Yeah. I suppose you do.” Saul tried again to wash away his tiredness by pinching the bridge of his nose, but he knew it was useless. “Listen, Kevin. I'm really sorry I wasn't there for you. With your father, I mean.”

“It was a lifetime ago, Saul. Water under the bridge and all that."

“If that was true, you wouldn't have brought it up when Scotty told you about the gay party. And I've been thinking about it these last days. I should have taken your side.”

“Ok. We need to get this out of the way or you'll brood about it all day and we'll go nowhere. Correct me if I'm wrong. I had a hard time with dad. It took a while for him to prove he wasn't as homophobic as he looked in those first days. If I had a choice I would have avoided a confrontation with him too. You supported mom, who was supporting me and if I remember correctly, you took me on a tour to all the five star restaurants of the city. So you were there.”

“I could have done more. Could have told your father that he was in a house of glass so throwing stones was the last thing he was allowed to do.”

Kevin smiled. “All these years I've seen you tiptoe around Dad and I think I know why. No matter that you helped Dad build Ojay Food and that he considered you a brother, you always felt like a guest around the house and you were afraid to overstay your welcome. Am I off base here?”

Saul pondered Kevin's words and then shook his head.  
Kevin continued. ”Even if dad was mad at me, I still had mom at my side, and Sarah, and Kitty. Tommy came around eventually and Justin thought it was cool to have a gay brother. But if Dad got mad at you for no matter what reason and cut you out of the family circle you'd be all alone. Rationally we both know it wasn't going to happen, for both of us. But rationality and insecurity don't get along very well, right?”

“Right." Saul admitted.

“Were you afraid dad would suspect you were gay too?”  
“I don't know. Looking back now, after what happened the other night I could say that maybe, unconsciously, that was it. But at the time I was pretty much convinced I wasn't gay. I had my share of girlfriends, I liked having sex with women and I thought the reason I was so unable to commit to a relationship was because I was so badly hurt when my fiancé left me for another man a couple of months before our wedding. My only experiences on the other side were a platonic crush during my college years that I thought I had totally outgrown and one single accident that we both ascribed to the fact we were as drunk as a mouse in a beer vat that night.”

“I can understand why you're still so confused. I went through the 'crush, first accident, first freely chosen time' phase during my last year in high school. By the end of that phase I was still not ready to come out, but I knew pretty well what I wanted.”

“I still don't know what I want.”

“Understandable. Three men in sixty what? Three?”

“Four.”

“Three men in 64 years may be not enough to give you a clear perspective. Especially knowing how strongly in denial you were."

“One man.”

Kevin's eyebrows arched. “Sorry?”

“Three episodes, same man.”  
“Really?”

Saul nodded and managed to produce a hint of very shy smile, accompanied by a blush that Kevin found sweet on his uncle's face.

“Peterman?” Kevin asked.

Saul nodded again and Kevin noted a shining in his uncle's eyes at the mention of the name that wasn't there a second before. Maybe Saul didn't know what he wanted yet, but the picture was getting clearer by the minute.

“I met Milo during my third week at college.”

“Love at first sight?”

Saul's laugh exploded so suddenly and so freely that Kevin had to look to be sure the man in front of him was still the brooding one that was there some seconds ago.

“We hated each other's guts. He was the captain of the wrestling team, heavy weight category, always showing off his money, and he hadn't outgrown his days as the resident bully. I was playing tennis, penniless twenty days out of thirty, skinny as a scarecrow, shy and still intimidated by college life. I guess I was the perfect target.”

“He bullied you?”  
“Every time and everywhere. I had a part time job in a cafeteria near the campus and he made it his mission to make my life hell there. I almost lost the job because of him and I wanted to break his nose so much it hurt.”

“Then what happened?”

Saul's grin lit the whole room. “I did it. I broke his nose. It cost me three fingers and a cracked rib, but damn... it was worthy. And after that, we were friends and it was as good as it had been bad being enemies.

"He tried to teach me wrestling and I tried to teach him tennis.” Saul laughed again, heartily. “Boy, he had the grace of a bull in a crystal shop. Always had to hit the ball as if it was a grenade ready to explode. That's when I started noticing that the times with him were special. The friendship grew and a lot more time was spent together; overnights, camping. Laughing and getting in trouble together. There just wasn't enough time in the day to spend together. And yes, I also noticed his body too. Who wouldn't? He was such an athlete and I would have killed to have a body like that."

“So, what happened?”

“Nothing. I never thought much of it and I outgrow it. We stayed friends through all our college years. He got married and I was his best man. I asked him to be my best man, but then my girlfriend run away with someone else. He had two daughters and I was proposed as godfather to them both, but Elaine wanted a couple and not a bachelor. We kept doing outdoors things together, fishing, camping. The usual things friends do. Then we fell in love with deep-sea fishing, went to Key West to practice it and had a blast trying to catch the biggest marlin I've ever seen. I think you've seen the pictures of that beast.”

Kevin nodded.

“It was a fight worthy of a Hemingway novel. When we managed to get that marlin in the boat we were so elated, so high on adrenaline and so full of beers that we kept partying and drinking all night long. We woke up the next morning in the same bed, naked, with the mother and father of every hangover and a very clear sign that we had sex together. We sobered up, convinced each other that nothing had happened and swore that nothing had changed between us. And of course we started to drift apart there and then and never stopped till we managed to lose trace of each other completely for 23 years.”  
“And now he's back.”

“Yes.”

“And he wants you.”

“He wanted sex. Of that I'm sure. Not sure he's interested in anything else.”

“Come on, uncle. There must be some feelings involved. Scotty said he had a house full of gay men for that party. If he was just looking for a one-night stand he didn't need to come knocking at your closet." Kevin regretted the way the phrase come out the moment he said it. He was being rude and Saul was already started to get tense again. "I'm sorry," he added quickly. "That didn't come out the way I wanted. I mean...”  
“I know what you mean, Kevin. I saw the people at the party too. That's the point. He can have whoever he wants, so why come looking for me after so many years?”

"It may be love!”

“Come on, Kevin. Be serious.”

“Why not? After all you still love him after so many years, don't you?"

The question halted the conversation for a moment. Saul opened his mouth to answer, then closed it with a snap. All the confused emotions roiling around inside his head suddenly formed a coherent whole. He'd never felt for anyone else what he felt for Milo. Was that love? Was wanting to be with him all the time, to laugh together, play together, grow up and old together, was that love? Was wanting to know one another's thoughts and dreams until they knew each other inside and out, love? Was wanting to give himself unconditionally to another person love?

“My God!” he muttered and his hands went to cover his eyes once again. “What do I do now?”

"You and Peterman can try to work something out."

Saul's jaw dropped open. "Work something? How? I don't have a clue about how to proceed from here. I may want to be with him...” Kevin's eyebrows took another trip toward his airline, making Saul smile and lift his hands in a mock surrender. “Ok. Ok. I want to be with him. But I'm still not sure I want the whole package attached to it.”

“Nobody's asking you to march in the next Pride parade, uncle. Probably at some point in the future you'll want to do it. To feel part of something bigger, but for the moment let's keep the matter simple. You. Milo Peterman. Being happy...”

“I don't even know if he feels the same.”

“You'll never know if you don't ask...”

“I can't...”

“Why?”

“I can't take a no,” Saul admitted, suddenly drained of any energy. “Not from him. I can't go through something like that again.”

“Oh Boy. That woman must have hurt you pretty bad.”

Saul nodded. Kevin started to ask something else, but Saul implored him with his eyes to abstain from it. Kevin accepted the plea and decided there was another way to know what really happened between his uncle and his almost first and only wife. He'd have to talk with his mother. But before that he had to be sure he wasn't pushing his uncle into another debacle like that one.

“You know, uncle, I don't think you have to decide everything right now. There's no need to rush. Allow yourself to get used to the idea that you're ready to explore possibilities you always denied. I'm sure at some point the need to know will overcome the fear. It may be a week or a month from now or five minutes after I'll be gone from this office, but I'm sure you'll find your way to deal with it.”

Slowly Saul rose from the chair and walked toward his nephew, who followed suit sensing it was time to leave.

"Have I told you lately that for someone who can be pretty annoying, you're all right?" Saul put a hand on Kevin's shoulder and squeezed affectionately.

"No uncle, you haven't," he smiled. "For a grumpy old man, you're not so bad either." Kevin grinned, then looked at Saul more seriously. "I know you still need time, but don't sit too long on this. Ok? If you see a chance for happiness, you should take it. Happiness is a rare thing, Saul. Don't throw it away."

Saul nodded and removed his hand. “I'll try not to.”  
***  
Kevin waited till he was in his car, away from curious glances and explanations to give, then took his phone and dialed quickly.

“Scotty?” he said, without preambles. “I need a favor. You have to get me Milo Peterman's address...”


	3. Chapter 3

   
***  
Suddenly Lord Peterman was close behind Captain Holden, so close that the Captain could feel the man's breath on his neck. Whirling about, the Captain met the Lord's eyes, close enough that he could see the flecks of gold that made Lord Peterman's brown eyes seem amber.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Something I will no doubt regret. But I must."

It was the most foolhardy and extraordinary thing anyone had ever done to Captain Holden - Lord Peterman reached forward and kissed his mouth. Stunned, the Captain let him, his mouth falling open with utter shock, a disbelieving noise torn from him.   
Evidently Lord Holden took that as an invitation and pressed with his tongue between the Captain's lips, running around the tender insides.  
Immediately captain Holden pushed Lord Peterman away, his fist crashing just under the man's left eye. Lord Peterman went down like a felled tree, legs straight and back unbent, while Captain Holden stood over him, fists clenched.

"How dare you! You filthy bounder! I vow, I should call you out."

"But you will not." Sitting up, Lord Peterman rubbed blood from his lips, grinning up at the captain wildly.

"Why not, I ask you?"

Those whiskey eyes trailed down his body, stopping at his groin. "Because you liked it."

***

Milo frowned and squeezed his eyes tightly a couple of times, then looked at the page he was reading again. The names were back to Lord Palsley and Captain McDugan and the characters were again talking of plans for the upcoming battle.  
That was the third time in a row that he'd started reading a short story for the anthology he was putting together and ended up daydreaming about him and Saul going at it in different historical ages.

Truth be told, thinking about Saul in (and subsequently out of) wig, breeches and high uniform was really amusing. Picturing Saul as a military doctor during the Crimean war taking “good care” of the wounded Colonel, or half naked, chained to a wall and at the mercy of the wicked inquisitor had been more interesting than the actual stories and had given him familiar stirrings and ideas about some new hobbies, like re-enacting, to pick up in the future. But it was distracting nonetheless.

He still had an anthology to put together, eleven spaces out of twenty still to assign and 30 more stories to go through to find them. There was just one thing to do if he wanted to get anything done this evening. He berated himself for feeling like a horny teenager again and then laughed for the same reason. It was good to feel that 'young' again.

Turning away from his desk, Milo began to touch himself, opening his slacks and sliding his hand inside to wrap about his shaft and pull. He stroked himself fully, from base to head, thumb working the looser skin at the tip.

Images of him and Saul having mad passionate sex filled Milo's head, urging him on, and his sac drew up tight against the base of his shaft, sending pure pleasure up his spine.

With a low cry, Milo spilled into his hand, sitting there for some time afterward, waiting for his breathing to slow.

After a while he went to recompose himself in the bathroom, took a beer out of the fridge and went back to work. He managed to rein in his wandering mind long enough to make a substantial dent in the pile of stories on his desk and found a couple of them worthy to be part of the anthology.

With his work back on track he felt a lot less guilty even if, after a while, the characters of two Victorian gentlemen discussing politics in a private exclusive club became two Victorian gents ogling each other in a Turkish bath. And of course they names changed to Saul and Milo again.

Luckily the phone on his desk rang. Milo picked it up and wished it was Saul. Then wished it wasn't. Then changed his mind again. If it was Saul that would be a good thing. Or a very bad one. What if Saul was going to tell him that 'nothing had happened' again and they shouldn't see each other any more?

Milo realized he was making himself paranoid, so he made an effort to regain a bit of composure and said "Hello?"

“Mr Peterman?”

The voice sounded familiar but Milo couldn't associate a face to it yet. “Yeah.”

“I'm Kevin Walker...” Another silence followed. “Saul's nephew.”

Milo felt a stab in the guts. Saul couldn't stomach facing him and sent his nephew to tell him to stay away. No. That was absurd. First, Saul wasn't like that and then it was most unlikely he’d spilled the beans with his nephew. But there was only one way to know for sure.

“Yes... Yes... Kevin. What can I do for you?”

“There is something I'd like to discuss with you about Uncle Saul and I was wondering if we can meet tonight.”

“Something happened to Saul?”

“You could say so. But not in a bad way. Or at least there’s a chance it won’t turn bad if we handle it right.”

“Now I'm curious. Where should we meet?”

“Your call. Anywhere is fine with me.”

“I'm at home working right now. Do you mind driving here? Hope it's not too much out of your way.”  
“No. It's fine.”

“Good... Do you know the address?”

“Yeah.”

“How long will it take for you to get here?”

“Actually, more or less ten minutes. I was already coming your way when I realized I didn't even know if you were at home and if you had the time or would be willing to see me on such short notice.”

“Oh... Now I'm a bit concerned. Do I have to fear for my safety?” Milo tried to make that remark pass as a joke but he wasn't sure he managed to conceal the bit of apprehension he was feeling.

“I don't see why you should. And if it makes you feel better, my brothers Tommy and Justin are the ones with the excess of testosterone.”

“Oh... You're the lawyer.” Milo said it as if lawyer was the code word for 'the gay one'.

“Yeah. I'm the lawyer.” Kevin answered stretching the word to let Milo know he'd got the hidden meaning and that they both were on the same wave length. “Really, Mr Peterman. There's nothing to be concerned about.” Kevin stated matter of fact, then adding to himself 'As long as you don't plan to hurt my uncle.'

“You can call me Milo, Kevin. Look forward to see you.”

"Almost there already. See ya."

Milo and Kevin cut off the call at the same time.

Milo went to the bar and poured a generous amount of Jack Daniels in a glass and started to sip it, wondering why he felt so sure he was on the edge of another major change in his life.

/\/\/\

Nora watched Saul come into her kitchen and smiled. “I was afraid you were avoiding me.”

Saul tilted his head questioningly. “Why?”

“We can count on our fingers the words we’ve exchanged lately.”

Saul slowly folded himself into the chair across from her.

“You've been so busy with the wedding and Justin...”

“I'm never too busy for you, Saully.” She took a bottle of orange juice from the fridge and filled two glasses, pushing one in Saul's direction. They used to do that when they were kids and Saul didn't miss the meaning. ”I think we’ve skirted around the matter long enough. Are you ready to talk about it?” she asked.

Saul nodded.  
“I have a question for you, Saul. But I don't want you to get mad or defensive on me.”

“I won't.”

“The man you were in love with. Was it William?”

Saul, who was sipping orange juice, felt it go down the wrong pipe and coughed every single drop of it that didn't come out explosively from his mouth and nostrils.

“No!” he managed to say, as vehemently as his attempts to not choke on juice allowed. “How could you even think something like that?”

“I know, I know. It's crazy. But you two were very close for brothers-in-law, and you've been his confidante for so long. And it made sense why you kept it secret from me...” She sighed, then continued with a soft chuckle at his discomfiture. “I suppose I shouldn't be left alone with too much time to think, coming up with crazy ideas like that.”

Saul smiled. “That's true. I guess it's my fault. In my defense I can say I didn't see this coming. Never even thought of it. And I can assure you I never ever thought about William in that way.”  
She nodded, accepting his assertion. “Then, it's Milo.” Nora stated with certainty.  
This time Saul managed not to spill another mouthful of orange juice but just barely, and at the cost of turning a dangerous shade of blue in the face.

“Are you trying to kill me?” he finally mumbled after having regained his breath. He pushed the glass aside as if it was a dangerous weapon aimed at him.  
“Yes. It was Milo.” he confirmed. “How did you know?”

“He made you like camping and outdoor activities. And that's a big accomplishment knowing how you hated camping when you were a kid.”

“I didn't hate camping when I was a kid.” Saul pouted childishly. “I was a Boy Scout.”

“You hated being a Boy Scout. You would have preferred going to the dentist.”

“That wasn't for the landscape. It was the people. The scout master was a mean son of a bitch and only gave badges to his sons, who were as bad as their father. They pushed me into a patch of poison ivy.”

Nora laughed, remembering the episode and her 12 year old brother covered in blisters for days. Saul tried to keep pouting a bit longer but couldn't resist and joined her.

Nora enjoyed her brother's rare good mood for a moment before she remembered the other episodes that were related to the scout master's sons and decided it was better to change the subject before Saul's mind went there. Nothing killed Saul's good mood faster than thinking about Jeremy Walton running away with Saully’s fiancée. Better go back to Peterman.

“Why did you and Milo drift apart? You were such good friends for so long,” she asked.

“Do you want the truth?”

“No. Lie to me. Of course I want the truth.”

“Do you remember Key West?”

Nora nodded.

“We had a little accident out there.”

“You had a fight?”

“Nope. We slept together.”

Nora's jaw dropped, more because of the ease with which Saul said it than for the news itself.

“We were both drunk and, to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure we went all the way. I still can't remember that night very well.”

Saul paused to see how his sister was taking his confession. After her initial shock she didn't seem much distressed about hearing of her brother sleeping with another man. That surprised him and Nora seemed to notice it.

“You'll have to do better than that to shock me, Saul. First it's not the big deal you think it is and second, I'd have no problems at all knowing you were with a man as long as you were happy. So why didn't it work out between you and Milo?”

Saul sighed. “They were different times, Nora. We took it for an accident and nothing more... And then there were our lives. He was married and I thought I was straight. I really didn't want to be homosexual.”

“Who didn't want to be homosexual?”

Both Saul and Nora jumped to their feet at the question and they both turned to see Sarah looking at them with a very curious expression painted on her face.

/\/\/\

Milo Peterman was not what Kevin expected. From what Scotty had told him he had imagined a bon vivant, oozing charm and self confidence. A sort of older, gay Casanova always on the prowl to expand his circle of conquests.

Instead he found himself in front of easy going man, probably less edgy than Uncle Saul but still as jumpy around him as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. And, Kevin shivered at the thought, there wasn't a worse moment than that for one of his father's metaphors to come to mind.

“This isn't going to be as easy as I thought it would be,” he admitted, taking the glass of JD Milo had offered as a surrogate for small talk.

Milo circled around the couch as if to be sure there weren't hidden traps in it and finally sat on the armchair opposite to Kevin.   
“What's not easy?”

“Look, this may sound like Spencer Tracy's 'The Father of the Bride', but I have to ask anyway. What are your intentions toward my uncle?”

Kevin saw Milo's expression change from guarded to totally stunned.

“Saul told you?”

Kevin nodded.

“Oh my God.” Milo fought the impulse to take his cell phone from his pocket and dial Saul's number then and there. “When... why... How's Saul now?”

Kevin found the concern in Milo's voice heartfelt. That was promising.

“Couple of hours ago. Because I pushed until he told me. And when I left him he was a bit shaken but relieved. I guess it's been more or less like passing a kidney stone for him. You see, Uncle Saul's like a newborn fledgling who's still breaking the eggshell, but it seems like you made a consistent breach into it, so now he's putting his nose through the gap and sniffing around.”

Milo signaled he'd got the picture. “And you're afraid I might hurt him.” he stated, smiling tenderly.

Kevin shook his head. “It's not that.” He paused. “Well. It's that in a kind of way. I just want to be sure this is not just a romp in the hay for you.”

“It's not.”

“Good. I'm afraid of what would happen to him if, after all he's going through to come to terms with all this, he'd just end up with another traumatic experience. His straight life got screwed up once and it's still affecting him. And since I'm the one who pestered him about giving a try to the alternative lifestyle, I'd like to know if I'm pushing him toward another fiasco.”

“Saul's a lucky guy to have a nephew as caring as you.” Milo said, smiling.

“Oh, I'm just the scout patrol. The moment this gets in the open the whole Walker brigade will be on it like a flock of birds of prey. We're all a bit over protective as a general rule, but we're even more so if one of our family is involved. You need to know that if you plan to stick around.”

“I plan to stick around, Kevin. If Saul will agree to give this thing between us a try, I'll do my best to make it work.

Kevin gave Milo a lopsided grin. “Took you a long time to make up your mind.”

“23 years too long. What can I say. I'm a very late bloomer.”

“You can compare notes with Uncle Saul about that.”

Milo laughed heartily. “I know. We wasted a lot of time already and we’re still wasting it. Your uncle and I have been as close as brothers for more than twenty years. Elaine was jealous of us long before she had a reason to be. After...” Milo stopped, uncertain about how much he could say to Saul's nephew.

“Key West?” Kevin finished the sentence for him and Milo nodded.

“After Key West I really hoped we could still go on like before, but I couldn't get close to Saul without risking another 'accident.' And then there was Elaine and the girls to think about. And the 'straight' facade to keep up at all cost. I know it sounds far-fetched ...”

“Different times?”

“I don't know. Maybe the times were right but I wasn't. After all, the Stonewall riots happened on my watch and I didn’t acknowledge their importance till after I came out last year. I went to San Francisco twice in the late seventies and ‘forgot’ to notice the Castro District. I never even realized the gay themes in the Village People's look.”

They both laughed at that.

“Funniest thing is that when finally I admitted to my wife and daughters that I was gay and couldn't live the lie any longer they were angry, of course, but about as surprised by it as if I'd said the sun was hot.”

“They're still angry?”

“I think Elaine still keeps a voodoo doll of me in her purse and sticks needles in it from time to time, but the girls are good with it now. They were concerned when I started cruising around, 'cause I've been a bit wild for a while.”

“For a while?”

“Not a long while. At my age the novelty of things wears off quickly especially when your body can't keep up with your mind.”

“So you decided to settle down and thought about Uncle Saul again?” Kevin asked, hoping he managed to conceal the sting of acid from his words. He didn't want to scare away his uncle's chance at happiness, but didn't want him to be Milo's consolation prize either. Saul deserved better than that.

“It's the other way around. In the last 23 years I've missed your uncle so much it hurt. Missed him when I couldn't 'do that' to my wife and couldn't run the risk. Missed him even more when it become obvious that Elaine and I couldn't stand each other anymore and I could have used a friend but it was too late. Missed him beyond belief when I started fooling around and kept comparing everyone I met with him.

“We shared my bed just once and just for a couple of hours two days ago and yesterday I couldn't sleep because I missed his body next to mine already.” He stopped abruptly after that and shook his head ruefully. “And I can't believe I just said something so sappy. Boy, if one of my writers dared to come up with something so smarmy I'd kick his ass to the next century.”

Kevin looked at the man in front of him and tried to imagine him and Saul together. He restrained himself from pushing his imagination beyond the door of the bedroom, but he managed to 'see' them laughing together, having breakfast, walking hand in hand. In his mind they made already a wonderful couple. He couldn't help but smile at the thought.

“Don't be too hard on yourself, Milo. Sappy is trendy this year.”  
“You think?” Milo smiled too. “Then, this is going to sound even more trendy. After the other night I had a lot of time to think and I realized that once everything has been said and done, and all the pretenses and lies have been cut away, what remains is the fact that I fell in love with your uncle the day he broke my nose and kept loving him ever since.”

“That's what I wanted to know. Now go and tell him.”

“You think Saul's ready to hear it?”

“I think he's getting there. And even if he's not ready to leave his closet yet, probably he's ready, and willing, to make some room in it and let you in.”

/\/\/\/\

Sarah circled around the kitchen island and if she noticed Nora's pleading sign to drop the matter, she didn't get the meaning of it.

“So, who didn't want to be homosexual?” she asked again.

Nora looked at her daughter and then at Saul, who was already blushing. She resigned herself to a replay of the quick escape he'd made when Kevin interrupted them the first time they talked and tried to reach for him.

She was very surprised when Saul took her proffered hand and squeezed it affectionately. “It's OK,” he told her and then, turning his head toward Sarah, took a deep breath and simply conceded. “I didn't.”

Sarah didn't even blink. The most she granted to the surprise, if surprise it was, was a quarter of inch increase of the arch of her eyebrows, and it didn't last more than a fraction of a second.

“You didn't want,” she repeated. “But you thought you were.”

Saul nodded.

“And are you?”

What surprised Saul and Nora the most was the total calm Sarah was using with her uncle. It was like she was asking Paige or Cooper about their day at school, and just like her kids, Saul felt compelled to be honest with her.

“I guess.”

“And it bothers you, right?"

“Yes. Quite a lot.”

“Why?”

“I don't know why it's bothering me that much. I thought the world would end if I told someone about it, but then I told your mother and Kevin, and now you. And the world is still there. Still turning.”

“Well, I've got news from you, Saully,” Nora intervened. “It. Is. Not. The. End. Of. The. World.”

“Mom's right,” Sarah added. “You're really worrying about nothing.”

“You think so?” Saul asked. After giving Nora a warning look about saying something while he was drinking, he took back his glass of juice and emptied it in a single gulp.

Nora followed suit.

“So you think I should tell mother?”

This time, as Saul maliciously expected, it was Nora who started sputtering and coughing away juice, trying hard not to get choked by it.

“I thought so.” he concluded smugly. His ear to ear grin was enough to tell Nora he was coming along just fine already.

“That was below the belt,” she told him, smiling. Sarah laughed too.

“Are you seeing someone, Uncle Saul?” Sarah asked

“ Yes... No... Well... Sort of. What makes you ask?”

“ You don't strike me like the cruising type, and that mark on your neck looks a lot like a hickey.”

Saul blushed nicely. Nora jumped from the stool and went to check closely. Her smile was radiant. “Yes. It is a hickey.” She grabbed playfully the rim of Saul's shirt and checked for other signs, finding them. “They don't look 23 years old either.”

“They aren't,” Saul admitted.

Nora mouthed a 'Him?' and Saul nodded. He felt if he kept blushing more he would catch fire and burn to his bones then and there, but it was nice to be surrounded by so much loving attention.

“Why should they be that old?” asked Sarah, confirming to Saul that the only thing worse than dealing with a Walker woman was dealing with two Walker women.

“Your uncle was telling me he and the true love of his life had a single, very passionate night together 23 years ago.”

“I didn’t say anything like that.” Saul protested meekly.

“23 years ago... “ Sarah mumbled. “ 23 years ago. What happened 23 years ago?” She tipped her index finger on her lips, as if that could help her to remember, then she smiled broadly. “The big fish.”

Saul mentally told himself he was never going to die of heart attack if he managed to survive this day. Then he nodded.

“You and Mr. Peterman? WOW!” Sarah seemed enthusiastic with the idea. “Oh my, I had such a crush on him.”

“You did?” Both Saul and Nora said at the same time.

“He was so handsome. He looked like that actor from Flashdance,” Sarah, now on a roll, looked more attentively at her uncle, now as red as lobster, and put a hand on his shoulder. “That's why you were so against his presence here for Kitty's engagement! You were afraid the old fire could spark again.”

“Looks to me it just did,” Nora jumped into the conversation. “So you and Milo are together, now?”

“No. I don't know. Maybe... We didn't talk about that.”

“Oh, Saully. Why not?”

“Because. Well because it wasn't supposed to end up with us in...” He stopped, horrified by the idea he was going to talk about 'that' in front of his sister and niece.

“So it was another unplanned burst of passion.” That from Nora.

“Wow. That's romantic.” And that from Sarah.

“It's not romantic,” Saul gulped. “It's frightening as hell.”

Nora pulled Saul to his feet and wrapped him in a tight hug. “I know it's frightening, sweetie,” she whispered softly in his ear. ”But if you think it's right... If you know it's right, here,” and she touched his chest in the general direction of his heart. “You can't let your fears have the best of you.”

“What if I fail this time too?” Saul's voice was so thin it reminded Nora of the day he woke up after the appendectomy when he was 10 years old.

“You're not gonna fail this time, Saully.”

“we didn't talk to each other for 23 years. That's not a promising start.”

“But you're talking now.”

“Mom's right, Uncle Saul. Maybe it went sour then, but now it's different. He came looking for you... And he found you.”

“I'm afraid it's going to wind up like with Irene.” Saul finally admitted.

“Who's Irene?” asked Sarah.

“My fiancee.” Saul said it as if the word itself was enough to explain everything. When Sarah proved she didn't have a clue about what that meant, Nora decided they'd already spent too many years 'not' talking about it.

“Your grandmother planned the wedding between Saul and Irene more or less the day Irene was born. As a matter of fact Saul fell pretty hard for her and she seemed pretty much in love with him too. Then a month before the wedding she run away with another man.”

“Ouch...” was Sarah's only comment. Saul confirmed her grasp on the matter with a vigorous nod.

“It was very hard for me,” he admitted. “If not for your mother and Milo I think I would have ended up doing something really foolish.”  
“Yep. We dragged him away from a recruiting post and kept him locked in the basement until we managed to get enlisting out of his mind. Of course it could have been all for nothing if he had been drafted like your father, but at least Milo managed to get him back to college and make him finish his degree.”

“So, Mr. Peterman was already around at the time.”

“Yes. Milo and I were already good friends at the time. I was the best man at his wedding and he was supposed to be it in mine.”

“So. If we ignore the last 23 years hiatus, you've been friends all your adult life.”

“Yes.”

“And now you've found each other again and as those hickeys prove, you moved to the next level.”

Saul nodded again.

“Looks to me like it’s by the book.”

“I agree with Sarah.” Nora paused a bit. “You should forget about Irene, about our mother, about changing your lifestyle and about everything else that's not giving happiness a try for once. You should go to Milo and work this out with him.”

“Mom's right. You both wasted a lot of time already and you're not exactly spring chickens anymore. Not offense.”

“None taken,” Saul smiled faintly. He felt even more drained than after his meeting with Kevin that afternoon. “You're both aware that you're pushing me into the arms of a man, right?”

“Of course we are, silly. And if you're not going to sort this out with Milo on your own I'm going to lock you both in a basement this time and leave you there till you wind up together or die of starvation. Whatever comes first.”

“What about you kids? No problems with that at all?” Saul asked, by that time almost resigned.

“I should run this by Tommy, Kitty and Justin first, but I'm pretty much sure we'll all be there helping Mom lock the basement door. Thinking about it, Tommy's cellar at Walker's Landing looks perfect for the job.”

“Wonderful idea.” Nora concurred. “Have to ask Tommy if it can be locked...”

Saul raised both arms over his head in a sign of surrender. “Ok. Ok. You win. I'll talk with Milo.”

“Good.” Mother and daughter exchanged a high five, totally pleased with themselves.

/\/\/\/\/\/\

‘Serendipity,’ Saul thought watching the display of his cell phone light up and Milo's name appear in it just the moment he took it out of his pocket to call his friend.

“Hey, Milo.” He said. He felt his heart start beating a tad faster.

“Saul,” Milo's voice sounded a bit shaken too. “Do you think we can meet and talk?”

“Yes. I think we can.”

“I'm driving. I can be at your place in half an hour.”

“I'm driving too, but I'm almost an hour away from your house. So mine is fine. See you there.”

“Saul...”

“Yeah?”

“I really look forward to talking with you. Really talk this time.”

“I want to talk with you, too.”

“We don't need to... You know...”

“Ok...”

“I don't want you to think I keep coming to you just for that.”

“I don't think you do... But Milo...”

“Yes?”

“It's not a problem. Not anymore.”

“See you in half an hour.”

“Look forward to it.”

Saul put the phone in his pocket again and smiled. He felt a familiar stir in his nether regions that spoke volumes about what he really wanted out of his conversation with Milo.

He scratched his head and thought about the scout's motto: “Be Prepared.” He spotted the neon sign of a open pharmacy and drove into its parking lot. He tried hard not to laugh, but failed.


	4. Chapter 4

  
  

For a moment after he woke up, Saul felt a stab of pure panic. 

 

He desperately searched his memory but could not find anything there to explain why there was a man's hand splayed across his belly, rubbing gentle, lazy circles. 

//That's not right,// he worried. // I'm in bed with a man and I don't know who. Or why. Or where.// 

 

Gradually he came out of his unpleasant haze and forced himself to calm down. He breathed in and out several times until his mind cleared enough to recognize that the man he was spooned with was Milo and the fear and panic he'd felt vanished as suddenly as it'd come. He remembered now how it had started ... 

*** 

 

_Saul wondered how he was going to survive to the “talk” with Milo, if this was the “Hi”._

 

_All he had done so far was to open the door after the doorbell had rung and the next moment he and Milo were all over each other, Saul twisting his head just a bit and mashing his lips onto Milo's._

 

_Saul had time to realize it seemed a replay of the other night but with their roles reversed and that he wasn't even sure if they'd managed to get inside the house or were still making out on the landing for all his neighbors to see. Then Milo's tongue rammed into his mouth, powering into all his hidden places, and Saul realized he didn't care at all if his mother could see him right now._

 

_Saul's hands dropped to his side as he surrendered to the incredible power of the kiss. He ran out of breath and still Milo continued to taste him, as if feeding off Saul's incredible need to just let go and be himself._

 

_Desperate for air, but even more desperate for the rest of Milo, Saul managed to get a grip on Milo's belt and bring him closer, while still sucking on the man's tongue with all his might._

 

_Finally, they let go, but just for a second. Saul gasped, sucked in air and plunged right back down on Milo's lips. He pressed forward into the man, his knees barely supporting him. Milo kissed him right back, hands holding Saul in place as if afraid he was going to slip away and be lost forever._

 

_Saul didn't want to ever stop kissing Milo. He could not get enough of the stiff, warm tongue, sliding through his lips. It was intoxicating and even better now that he wasn't holding back anymore._

 

_Then Milo broke their second kiss, looked at Saul as if seeing him for the first time and backed away, flattening himself against the wall._

 

_He started chanting a litany of ”Damn... Damn... Damn...” that left Saul totally dumbfounded._

 

“ _What's wrong?” Saul asked, suddenly concerned._

 

“ _Everything. Damn!” Milo almost cried. “I'm screwing up everything once again.”_

“ _No. You're not. I can assure you...” Saul tried for a reassuring smile, but Milo didn't fall for it._

 

“ _This was supposed to be a friendly talk. A way to get back together without pressure. I had it all planned. I was going to prove to you that we can still be friends and keep seeing each other without turning every meeting into the 'ultimate sex match'.”_

 

_Saul felt sure he'd slipped into the twilight zone without noticing. Of all the things he had expected from this meeting, seeing Milo so nervous and shaking was the very last one on his list. It was so uncommon for mister 'calm and collected' to be in such a state of anxiety, that a part of Saul felt almost guilty for being the cause of it. The other part of him felt flattered beyond belief._

 

“ _It's ok, Milo.” he tried for a soothing tone, while leading the man toward the couch and coaxing him to sit._

_Milo barely noticed it, or give the necessary attention to the fact that Saul was looking at him straight in the eyes, holding his shaking hands and trying his best to be reassuring._

“ _I wanted to come here and propose to start back from the beginning. The way we were before the other night and before Key West. I wanted to prove to you it wasn't just the sex that makes me come back to you... that I can wait for you to decide if we can be more than friends... Instead I jumped on you on the threshold... again.”_

 

“ _I jumped on you, this time.”_

 

_Again, Saul's statement didn't register in Milo's mind._

 

“ _Now you're going to get all scared on me again, and will back away saying that what happened the other night was a mistake_ _ **again**_ _, and that it doesn't have to happen_ _ **again**_ _, and that we should forget about it_ _ **again**_ _. And then we're going to lose touch with each other for other 20 years... and I won't be fit to try again to court you in my eighties... and I'm babbling like a raving madman now so, please, put an end on my misery and shoot me...”_

_Saul closed the gap between them and finally managed to get Milo's attention by stamping a kiss on his lips._

 

_When they parted, Milo looked a bit stunned, but at least a bit less edgy._

 

“ _listen, Milo. I am not going to say anything of the sort anymore. In fact, I am never going to say those things again, because I've got something totally new to say to you, and it sounds more or less like this.” Saul took a pause and caressed Milo on the cheek, tenderly. “ Milo, I'm absolutely crazy about you.”_

 

_Milo's eyes went as big as saucers._

 

“ _And I don't mind anymore if the world knows about it or not. And, as for 'this can't happen again'... Well, get ready, because it's going to. It's going to happen_ _ **again**_ ” _he kissed Milo on the lips another time. Just a peck to prove the point. “and_ _ **again**_ _...”_

 

_Milo finally managed to break out of his stupor and responded to Saul's third kiss with enough passion to make it count._

 

_When they parted, Milo felt still a bit dizzy. “Don't say this to me unless you really mean it, Saul.”_

 

“ _I want to be with you, Milo. I can't say it any better than that. I was so worried how it would look, how other people would feel about it, that I never considered how I feel about it. I don't want this to end, Milo. I want to be with you.”_

 

_They kissed again, holding each other tightly. When Milo pulled away, reluctantly, he looked at Saul, still wondering if what was happening was real or just his mind playing tricks on him. Saul in his arms felt real enough to him and right where he belonged._

 

“ _You don't even know if you like men or not.” He found himself saying, and he couldn't help asking himself why he couldn't simply take this sudden, marvelous development as the blessing it was._

 

“ _You may be right about that, but I think it's pretty obvious that like one of them just fine... Right now I don't mind about the rest of the world, the male side of the human race or the gay part of the male side of our species, Milo... I admit I'm still a bit scared. This afternoon I was still struggling to deny what I feel and now I'm here fighting against 40 years of mental blocks. And that because I really, really want to be with you, and see if we can make this relationship work. Don't you want this, too?”_

 

“ _More than anything.”_

 

_Saul wrapped his arms around Milo, snuggled against his chest, and closed his eyes. He couldn't recall the last time he'd felt this safe and content._

 

“ _So, we have a relationship?” Milo asked._

 

“ _I think we're getting there. It's all going so fast that my head is spinning, but I'm not going to back away from this if you don't, Milo. Of course we can discover we can't stand each other...” he smiled. “but I've got the feeling that's not going to happen.”_

 

“ _Not going to... Not if I have a say in it...”_

 

“ _Glad to hear it, because it's going to be hard some times. I've got a lot of baggage to get rid of...”_

 

“ _Tell me about it. My entire adult life has been a lie. A classic case of living in denial. For years, I willed myself not to think about being with a man. I buried my feelings, dated women, eventually married Elaine. Then we had Key West and for a moment, for a tiny little moment I considered the idea to ask you to stay with me.”_

 

“ _For that same little moment I hoped you'd ask,” admitted Saul._

 

“ _Yeah, but then I returned to my risk free straight life. To pretending my attraction to men wasn't real. That what happened between us wasn't real. I kept doing nothing, saying nothing, trying to feel nothing.”_

 

“ _I did the same.”_

 

“ _Probably. But I'm not sure. Look at you. I've seen you struggling about this, but once you made up your mind you didn't back away. You fought, and here you are. I fought, I lost, I kept fighting every single day of my life. If it wasn't for that play I'd be still in the closet, still pretending men did nothing to me.”_

 

“ _What play?”_

 

“ _Something Elaine made me see a couple of years ago. It was about a man who kept his sexuality bottled up all his life and ended ruining his life, his wife's life, his best friend's life and a lot of other lives all around him. It hit so close to home I felt like crap for weeks after that. That's been the turning point.”_

 

“ _And now here you are, too.”_

 

“ _Yeah. Here we are...”_

 

“ _And without you and your play, I won't be feeling like I feel right now.”_

 

“ _How do you feel?”_

 

“ _It's hard to explain, Milo. It's something I haven't felt since I was a little boy. I think I was eleven and I was at the bottom of this hill. I was on my bike and I just started pedaling. I kept on pedaling. More and more, till I was just pedaling like hell. I was this boy possessed. I kept on going, even though my legs were burning. I just kept on going and going, until, finally, I went up and over. And, there I was. And, then I started coasting, gliding, going faster and_

_faster. If I had gone any faster, I would've been flying. It was 'Look Ma, no hands!'" Saul laughed. “Of course my mother would have killed me if she saw me like that, but that's not the point. The point that's what I feel right now. The feeling that anything is possible, and it's all going to be good. The feeling where your heart is big, and you don't know if you're going to laugh or cry, but you sure as hell know that you're alive. And I want it to last... Can you make it last, Milo?”_

 

“ _I don't know... But I'll try my best, Saul. I'll try my very best to make this work. I'm going to be the best friend you ever had, the best partner you ever had. I mean it.”_

 

“ _I know. But you didn't mention lover...”_

 

“ _That, too. But I'm not going to assault you like the other night. I meant it when I said I wasn't going to pressure you into it.”_

 

“ _You'll wait for me to ask you, this time?”_

 

“ _Yeah. That's the plan.”_

 

_Saul nodded and pretended to ponder the option, then smiled fondly. “I'm asking, Milo... Will you stay with me tonight?”_

 

_Milo's grin made Saul's heart skip a bit. He looked so young and so handsome when he smiled like that._

 

“ _Yes...” he answered._

 

_They stood up together from the couch and holding each other moved slowly toward Saul's bedroom._

*** 

 

A breath of warm, moist air blowing across his neck and something warm pressed up against his back brought Saul back to the present. 

 

“Feels good,” he admitted, and a chuckle from behind him told him he'd said it aloud. He didn't mind. He intertwined his fingers with Milo's, snuggled closer, no longer afraid, and relaxed. He felt warm, safe, and very good.

 

Milo placed a light kiss on the back of Saul's head and kept kissing him slowly, while Saul turned until they were facing each other. 

 

"Hi,there," he smiled fondly. 

 

"Hi, there, yourself." Saul smiled shyly and gently stroked Milo's face. It surprised him how right it felt to just be there with him. 

 

They stared at each other for a few moments before their lips met. It was a kiss that started gently, almost lazily, but in a few moments it became very passionate. 

When they finally parted, out of breath and quite aroused, Saul smiled and shook his head in amazement. "I could get used to this." 

"That's the plan." Milo answered and kissed him again. 

 

“What happened to our intention to take it slowly?” Saul grinned.

Milo peeked jokingly under the covers. “Nowhere to be found.” 

 

They both laughed. 

 

Saul stretched out beside Milo, propping himself up on his right elbow. He began by covering Milo's face with kisses while pinching his nipples, drawing forth little gasps. Drawn to those magnetic lips, he covered Milo's half-open mouth with his own, and probed it with his tongue. He felt astonished by his own boldness. It was so unlike him ... or maybe, he thought while smiling around the kisses he kept giving and receiving, maybe that was him all along. The real him. 

The fact that the nagging voice in the back of his head telling him that all that was wrong was getting more and more feeble also seemed to prove that theory. 

 

Milo reached between their bodies and started to stroke Saul's prick, but Saul shook his head a little. "It's my turn now," he murmured soothingly. "I owe you for last night." 

 

“I'm not keeping score and you shouldn't either.”

 

“Nonetheless.” Saul sat up and straddled Milo so their erections made contact. He bent down and nibbled Milo's earlobes before moving on to his neck and the hollow of his throat, leaving a trail of tiny bite marks.

That's when both their cell phones' alarms went off. 

 

Both men grumbled a heartfelt “Damn!” and reluctantly parted to reach the offending objects and silence them. 

 

“Damn working day,” mumbled Milo.

 

“My exact thought,” replied Saul.

They looked at each other and for a moment they were both sure they were going to call in sick and go back to what they were doing. They said as much with just their eyes and eyebrows and curved corners of their mouths, but then both shook their heads at the same time and got somber. 

 

“Company meeting this morning.” Milo admitted contritely.

 

“Briefing about the budget for the new advertising campaign.”

 

“Guess we'll have to adjourn.”

 

“Guess so, too.”

 

“How about this evening? We can start from where we left off and go on from there?"

Saul smiled, “It's going to be hard to concentrate on anything else, today.” 

 

“Hard is the key word.”

 

Both laughed again. 

 

They shifted on the bed till they were both seated on the same side, touching shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh. Both seemed very unwilling to lose contact. 

 

Milo inched with his toes until he managed to grab his boxers. 

 

“You don't happen to have a spare toothbrush, do you?” he asked.

 

“As a matter of fact, I do.”

 

“Do you mind if I use your shower?”

 

“Of course not. Wish I could loan you some spare clothes, but there's no way they'd fit you.”

 

Milo's expression started to look like that of a naughty boy caught red handed. 

 

“I have a confession to make, but I don't want you to think I came here with a secret agenda or anything like that.”

 

Saul laughed. “Go on. The suspense is killing me.” 

 

“I've got a full change of clothes in the trunk of my car.”

 

Saul laughed harder. “Confession for confession. I bought the spare toothbrush after you called me yesterday evening.” He paused to open the drawer of his bedside table. “Along with these.” 

 

Milo peered inside the drawer and grinned broadly at the sight of a box full of condoms and a bottle of Astroglide. “Great minds think alike.” 

 

“I had a feeling it might end up like this.”

 

They shared a quick peck on the lips, then Saul affectionately squeezed Milo's leg and jumped to his feet. “Here's the plan. You go get your clothes while I take a shower, so while YOU shower, I'll have time to cook some breakfast.” 

 

“It's not necessary. I can get coffee at the Starbuck across the street from my office.” 

 

“Nonsense. I'm not going to let you out of here starving.”

 

Milo stared lasciviously at Saul, letting his eyes roam from head to toes and back. “That's going to happen anyway. And it's got nothing to do with food.” 

 

 

Saul stood under the shower head and let the hot water cascade over his aching body. His erection was killing him, and he was tempted to do something about it. 

But he didn't want to touch himself. He wanted Milo to touch him. It was scary how fast he was getting addicted to Milo already. Scary and wonderful. Scary because it was hard to overcome 45 years of convincing himself he didn't want this, and it sure would take more than a night to get over it. Wonderful because... Well, because IT was wonderful. 

 

Saul let his mind wander. Not surprisingly it started replaying, in full technicolor what had happened after he and Milo had stopped 'talking'. 

*** 

 

_Saul gasped, drawing in his breath in one loud rush, as Milo gave him that first touch on his erection. He strained through fluttering lids to keep his eyes open, to watch, to match the images with the feelings, as Milo's hot fingers closed around the shaft, just below the head. His whole body reacted. He felt himself thrusting up, meeting the touch._

 

_He laughed. Tried to laugh. It sounded more like the bleating of a lamb to his own ears. It was hard to laugh when you could hardly breathe. Milo was playing with the scar of his circumcision, the tip of his dick, and all the parts that were most sensitive._

 

_He wanted to shout out his joy, to leap into Milo's arms, to hold on and never let go, to give in to this man. He wanted._

 

_He collapsed back upon the sheet, no longer able to hold himself up on his_

_trembling arms. He closed his eyes, wanting to block out the light. He willed himself not to hear anything, especially not the pounding of his own heartbeat that boomed in his ears. He only wanted to feel. To wait for Milo's kiss, and to feel._

 

_Saul fell back, flinging his arms up over his head, revealing every inch of his flesh to Milo, who peered up from his abdomen all the way across every ridge of his upthrust ribs, past his nipples, and on up and up and up to the twitching fingers that grasped for air. Still he held his pelvis up for Milo, offering himself completely._

 

_Milo searched his face. His eyes were closed now, and his lips were both held tight, and his jaw was uplifted, tensed, teeth clenched hard. But there was a look of pure ecstasy there, not one of pain. Breathless anticipation. That's what Milo saw._

 

_Milo wet his lips, then kissed him lightly there, right below the crown, right_

_on the frenulum. Saul froze, practically suspending himself in midair, his_

_torso flexed up off the sheet. Milo froze too, just momentarily._

 

_He closed his eyes, and just let himself nestle there right between Saul's legs, cupping his right hand over the end of Saul's dick. He rooted there. Burying his nose in his flesh, breathing at the base of his shaft, then sniffing down along the side of his scrotum, then up and around his pubis to the other side._

_There was nothing Milo could have wanted more than to lay there forever between_

_Saul's legs. No pleasure more enticing, but one. He wanted the pleasure to be all for Saul. This was all for him and him alone._

 

_With one last kiss on the taut, sensitive skin next to his scrotum, Milo_

_lifted his head and raised up. With slow strokes of his free hand, he began to caress up across Saul's abdomen and down along his hips, just lightly circling his mid-section, but keeping his other hand cupped around the end of his dick._

 

_In its erect state, just as when it was soft, Saul's dick looked huge in_

_comparison to his body. Its tip would rest not far from his navel, if Milo let it loose. But letting it loose was the last of Milo's intentions._

 

_He slid his hand down Saul's shaft. At first he only let his fingers graze the skin, and as he started to slide them up and then back down the shaft, it was with a feathery touch._

 

_Saul humped his torso up. Once, then again, then taking up Milo's slow rhythm._

 

_Milo watched. Saul still didn't open his eyes, just held his head braced_

_back against the sheet. Slowly, probably unconsciously, he pulled his arms down and lifted his hands up into the air next to his chest. They moved erratically in the air, in short, jerky motions as if he had lost the full control of his muscles._

 

_His dick was hot. His whole body was hot. Milo realized suddenly that they were both sweating. They were both feverish. He thought they were both going to burn and incinerate the whole house around them. What a glorious way to go._

 

_After a few moments, he realized he'd sort of spaced out there. He realized that he was no longer gently gliding his hand up and down Saul's dick. Now he was grasping it, full fisted, sliding up and down, with each stroke feeling Saul's heat rushing up into his body. With each stroke Saul's body convulsed, hammering, matching Milo's motions._

 

_Saul's arms were now stretched out by his side, jerking spasmodically just like his legs. It was like his whole being was centered between his legs now, and his limbs were only receiving sporadic stimulus from some autonomous, motor-control part of his brain._

 

_Milo didn't know if Saul was ready yet, but he was. He wanted to replace the heat of his fist with the wet heat of his mouth._

 

_With a hungry growl, he dropped back down and engulfed all the length of Saul he could take in his mouth at once, letting his lips slide down around it, letting his tongue immediately start laving it, testing it, tasting it. At the same instant he grasped Saul's balls with his hand and started squeezing them._

 

_Saul's butt shot up off the bed again. Instantly Milo dropped his other hand down below Saul's buttocks and held him up there as he sucked. His flesh was hot there too, and so soft. Just the feel of Saul's bottom against his hand made Milo thrust his own dick forward again, blindly, searching contact with whatever part of Saul's body he could reach._

 

_The sensation was too distracting, so Milo turned his concentration on Saul's dick again, devouring it, brutalizing it, pumping his head up and down on the prick, sucking hard, collapsing his cheeks along it, tightening the ring of his lips._

 

_The friction was firing every nerve ending Saul had, and Milo knew he was feeling it all the way from the tip of his dick down along the shaft, and spreading through his pubis and balls, flooding him._

 

_The juices of their sex squished against Milo's lips and his chin at each down stroke. Saul's testicles were wet with it too._

 

_Milo's head bobbed up and down on the shaft. Each stroke he grunted. Each stroke he could hear the slurping, sloppy suctioning of his saliva. The taste of Saul's pre-come only enhanced Milo's need to get more, so he increased his efforts._

 

_With each stroke Saul moaned now. It started as a low hum, almost imperceptible. It was mindless, coming from an involuntary tightness that was gripping his very insides. Milo knew the feeling well, like there was a hand reaching from within, gripping his privates, twisting, pulling, forcing the tension all the way up into his body. The moans grew louder with each suck, with his dick lodged all the way against the back of Milo's mouth._

 

_When Milo withdrew, sliding his lips along the shaft all the way up to the rim of his glans, Saul had barely enough time to breath, then he had to release the sensations he was feeling with almost pitiful whimpers, almost as if he were pleading with Milo to desist. But Milo knew he didn't want him to. Those were whimpers of pure need._

 

_"Milo!" Saul called out between gasping moans. "don't... Don't... stop ..."_

 

_Milo wasn't about to stop. He didn't think he could have if Saul had asked him to. He loved every sweet, tortured, cry that Saul made, because he knew he was giving him something worthy of the long wait._

 

_He had settled into a rhythm that he knew would push Saul over the edge soon._

_He felt like a musician playing Saul's body. They were so in tune, each motion of Milo's mouth upon Saul causing a corresponding motion within him, each stroke bringing forth the low accompaniment of his soft tones._

 

_Saul quit speaking intelligibly, and all that was left was his ragged breathing, the squirming of his hot, wet bottom upon Milo's hand, and his rising squeals._

 

_Milo released Saul's balls and slipped that hand too down beneath his butt, gripping one cheek with each hand, digging his fingers into the crack and pulling Saul into his mouth even more, smashing the glans into the back of his throat. Saul cried out, in one long glorious scream of ecstasy and Milo knew he was going to finally orgasm._

 

_Saul felt his body surge, trying to purge itself of a lifetime of denial and then it did. Blast after blast of his hot juice rocketed against the walls of Milo’s mouth. Milo just frigged himself against Saul thigh and joined him in bliss-land as wave after wave of orgasmic energy ran through them both._

 

_And then it was over._

 

_Saul was barely conscious. But even in his dazed state, he knew he had to express how he felt to Milo, and so he leaned down, and kissed him on the lips, tasting himself on his lover's mouth._

 

_Milo grasped Saul around the neck and held him close._

 

 

 

Saul's eyes popped open when he heard the shower door open, and felt a large hand touch his shoulder. 

 

"May I join you?" Milo sounded timid. 

 

Saul spun around, put his hands on Milo's waist and stepped into the circle of his arms. 

 

"Be my guest." 

 

They melted into a single being, moaning as their wet dicks collided and their mouths connected. Hands gliding over water-slicked skin, jutting erections digging into each other's bellies, tongues wrestling. 

When they finally broke for air, Milo could barely talk. "I don't know how I'm going to survive till tonight.” 

 

“Me too.” Saul panted. “I thought we were too old to be so horny.”

 

“We probably are, but the memo hadn't reached these yet...” Milo pointed at their fencing erections and they both laughed.

 

Saul started lathering Milo's chest. He loved the way the soapy water made Milo's skin gleam in the muted light of the shower stall, the way his body felt under his hands. He wanted to touch all of him: his underarms, the back of his knees, his elbows, the small of his back, the enticing canyon between his butt cheeks, especially the tight little hole. His sudden lack of inhibition astonished him. 

 

Milo's hands couldn't get enough of Saul, either. 

As the lovers enjoyed the warmth of their embrace and the water, they shivered whenever their fingers discovered previously uncharted territory. By some silent, mutual agreement, they left each other's erections alone until the end of their investigations. They both were pleased to discover how hard they were. 

Saul squirted some liquid soap into his hands and, without hesitation, reached around Milo's middle, took his slick hard-on in his left hand, and began fondling the scrotum with his right. 

 

Milo, instead, started with Saul's nipples, rubbing and tweaking them into hard little knobs. Saul was surprised by the sensation. By the time Milo moved down to Saul's groin, he was writhing. 

 

Milo took Saul's erection in both hands, playing with the sensitive tip and stroking the shaft at the same time. Saul tried to control himself, make it last, but he was fighting decades of pent-up desire. Those fine, long-fingered hands milking him; Milo's dick throbbing in his hand. It was too much and it was not enough. 

 

Milo wasn't far behind. His thrashing grew so wild, and his breathing so ragged, that Saul was afraid that he would fall or faint. Then, with a strangled cry, Milo climaxed forcefully, covering Saul's hands and wrists. 

Saul came too, not at the same time but close, in forceful, jerky spasms. For just a second, he thought he was going to black out. 

 

They held each other until their breathing returned to normal. Then they kissed again. 

 

“We're going to kill each other," Saul moaned, spent but exhilarated. “They're going to find us here, dead as doornails.”

 

“Yeah. But with the most outrageous grin a corpse can show off.”

 

They laughed, turned off the cooling water and stepped out of the stall, still hugging each other. Both sighed with disappointment when they had to part to dry off. 

 

Still naked, they stood side by side in front of the mirror, shaving, brushing their teeth, combing their hair, stealing sideways glances at each other's bodies and smiling fondly every time their eyes connected. 

 

Inch by inch they shifted toward each other until their shoulders touched. 

 

Saul looked at their reflection in the mirror and again felt conflicting emotions about the picture they made. A part of his mind still fought the idea, but the rest found it the most natural thing in the world. 

 

“We look good together, don't you think?” Milo said as if reading his mind.

 

“Yeah,” Saul agreed. “A bit long in the tooth, maybe, but not bad.”

 

“Not bad? We're the best, and we're twenty years old again. Can't you see?”

 

For a brief moment Saul was sure he could see two young men looking back from the mirror. 

It was up to Milo to break the moment. “Do you think there's still time for breakfast? I'm so hungry I could faint.” 

 

Even that was the same since they were twenty years old, Saul noticed, bursting out laughing. 

*** 

 

“Wow,” Milo exclaimed. “This is great. I didn't remember you were such a good cook.”

 

“Come on, Milo. It's just an omelet. And when you're a bachelor you have to learn cooking or you'll starve.”

 

“I don't know about that. I'm divorced and I still have to boil my first egg.”

 

“Lots of business for the local take-outs near your place, huh?"

 

“I don't know, but the owner of the Thai has bought a new house after I moved there,” Milo smiled sheepishly. “And he's building a new pool. An Olympic sized one.”

 

Saul laughed and marveled of it. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed that much or felt that good. He couldn't remember feeling such at ease with someone else either. There they were, in his kitchen, eating omelets, drinking coffee, chatting of nothingness and it was as good as the sex between them had been. Maybe even better. 

 

Another thing that surprised Saul was how they kept needing physical contact, even now that they both were sexually spent. They seemed unable to go for more than few minutes without inventing an excuse to hold hands, or brush 'accidentally' against each other, or put one's arm around the other's side or shoulder. He had practically cooked the breakfast with Milo's arms circled around his mid section and his chin leaned on Saul's right shoulder. And it'd felt natural, and right. 

 

He wondered if it would have been the same 23 or 40 years ago. If they'd wasted a lifetime or if it was so right and natural and good because it was happening now. 

 

Not that it really mattered. Crying over spilled milk, Saul admitted to himself, was a mere exercise in futility. Watching Milo eat the omelets he'd cooked in his kitchen and fill the space as if he'd always been there, that was the only thing that really mattered. 

 

Saul smiled fondly at the picture Milo made in that moment. He really seemed 20 years old again. And as when he was 20 years old, Milo had managed to make a mess of the food and the area around it. 

 

"What?" Milo asked, feeling the weight of Saul's stare on him. 

 

"We're really back in the old days,” Saul laughed. “You've got eggs on your neck tie." 

 

Milo looked at the tie, mouthed a 'fuck' and started to take it off. “Guess I'll have to do without, today.” 

 

“Nonsense. I've got enough ties to keep us both going for the rest of our lives and still there will be some spares to keep knotted to the headboard of the bed.”

 

Milo couldn't keep from laughing at the idea and Saul turned every shade of red before joining him. 

 

“That's a kinky side of you I didn't know you had, Saul. I think I like it.”

 

“Then we're even. I didn't know you were into re-enacting either...”

 

Saul couldn't remember when exactly re-enacting had become part of the many topics they discussed last night, but it still struck him as one of the funniest ones. 

 

“I'm not into re-enacting,” Milo pouted mockingly. “I just said I'd like to see you in high uniform. Better if from the Regency age.”

 

Saul's expression became mischievous. “I think we could arrange that.” 

 

Milo beamed. “You'd do it?” 

 

“As long as we keep it a private thing between us, I think I'm game. At least it's not a Batman outfit you want me to wear...”

 

“That will come later.”

 

“Really?”

 

Milo grinned wickedly. “Of course. It will make playing with your neckties more interesting.” 

 

“Ok. But you're going to wear it.”

 

“Deal.” Milo nodded approvingly and lifted his hand from the table, extending it toward Saul, fist closed and knuckles pushed forward. Saul did the same and they let their knuckles touch, sealing the agreement the way they used to do when they were up to some mischief back in the days.

 

Saul had a clear picture of the scowl that Elaine usually reserved for that gesture, but that made him feel even better. In the long run she had failed to keep them apart. 

 

Then Milo took Saul's hand in his and brought it to his mouth, where he put a light kiss on Saul's fingertips. He touched Saul's index finger with the tip of his tongue and tried to take it in his mouth. 

 

Saul had to withdraw quickly, feeling a bit alarmed, but quite pleased that things were stirring where it should have been impossible after all the previous activities in the shower. That didn't slow Milo's attempt at seduction one bit. 

 

"You've got some jam in the corner of your mouth, too." He came over to Saul's chair, held his chin, and licked at the sticky sweetness with deliberate slowness. "Much better." 

 

“We'll never get out of this house if you start again.”

 

“And that's a problem because?”

 

“Because, sadly, we're both needed elsewhere.” Saul didn't even try to hide the disappointment about that.

 

“Sadly, you're right,” Milo admitted defeated. “But tonight... Tonight's gonna be better than fireworks on July 4... that's a promise.”

 

Saul blushed. “If this is a clue, I guess we won't need blue pills to keep the game going for a very long while.” he joked. 

 

“Yeah... But I wouldn't count them out already. We won't have to go to work every day.”

 

They did the knuckle against knuckle again, smiling at each other like love struck teenagers. Saul wondered how he was going to survive the weekend with Milo if this was just a 'working day'. 

*** 

 

Saul sat at his desk and started to pick up files to bring to the reunion with Sarah and the others when his cell phone rang. A huge, dream-like grin spread across his face when he read the name of the caller. 

 

"Hi, Saul." 

 

"Hey, Milo! Where are you?" 

 

"Still in the car. I wanted to call you before my meeting." 

 

"Yeah, I'm heading to mine right now, too." 

"Guess I will have to keep it short, then. I just wanted you to know that I'm here, stuck in the traffic, fondling your neck tie and having very lascivious thoughts about it and the head-post of your bed." 

Saul chuckled. "You are bad! Now I'll have to go to the meeting with my jacket folded on my arm and held in front of me." 

 

“Good... So I won't be the only one... We're still ok for tonight?”

 

"Wild horses could not pry me away from our first 'official' date, Milo." 

 

"Great! Should I pick up some dinner on the way home, or do you feel like going out?" 

 

Milo realized what he'd asked Saul and berated himself for pushing so much so soon. 

 

"Don't think I don't know what's going on in that mind of yours, Milo.” Saul laughed. “Stop walking on eggs around me and relax. It may be a bit too soon for me to go to a gay disco club wearing leather trousers and a fishnet tank top, but I can handle a restaurant. If you're good I will even hold your hand between dishes...” 

 

“And play footsie beneath the table?” Milo laughed, too. 

 

“That was implied from the start."

 

“I'm almost at work." There was real regret in Milo's voice. "I'd rather stay on the line and talk to you about those leather pants that nobody else but me is going to see you wearing, but..."

 

The intercom on Saul's desk buzzed. 

 

"Me too. But we can talk some more, and do a lot more, tonight if our age doesn't catch up with us and make us fall asleep like the two old geezers we are.” 

 

“It won't... And it's ok anyway if it does, as long as I'm going to wake up with you like this morning.”

 

A new buzz from Saul's intercom and the ringing of Milo's parking lot barrier alerted them that they should be moving, but they tried to make the moment last a big longer nonetheless. 

 

"Gotta go. Saul," Milo conceded eventually. “I miss you already.” 

 

“I miss you too, Milo.” Saul admitted, divided between the need to keep listening to Milo's voice and that of going to strange his secretary and her damned intercom. 

 

“I love you.” Milo added, but just to himself, after dropping the communication. 

 

“I love you.” Saul answered, well aware he was speaking with nobody. 

Both came to the same conclusion that the first time they were going to say “I love you” for real wasn't going to happen on the phone and that moment was going to come very soon. 


End file.
